New Days and Old Lessons
Our covenant day came and went. I'm sure all weddings have the same momentum, peek, and aftermath. You anticipate for weeks, months, years sometimes, and then it's here for an incredibly fulfilling and exhausting few hours and then it's gone. We had a lot of expectations for what that day would look like and how it would be experienced by both us and our guests, but what we looked forward to the most was experiencing the every day of life together in SF after the wedding.
And now that we're here I'm wrestling with something that was unexpected, something that crept into my heart and has been making me feel uncomfortable every day for the week that we've been back in the city as husband and wife, something I never imagined I would be experiencing now that Luke is here. And that feeling is discontentment.
Usually I battle feelings of discontentment when I'm unsatisfied with my current reality, when my heart is aching for a new situation in an unhealthy way, when I can't fully recognize that importance and impact my "right now" is having on my "soon to be," and I can't sit still and experience what God has promised and is fulfilling in my life at this moment.
I believe that singleness is a spiritual gift given by the Lord, and I believe in the distinctive works of celibacy if you've been called to that life. When I moved to SF, I was satisfied with my reality of being single Mattie with a supporting boyfriend in Louisiana. I believed in the calling I had to live single life and give back to SF. But after the minute Luke and I were called to a life of oneness (when he proposed soon after moving to SF), my heart began to change as He shaped and equipped me, and gave me the desire for a life with a partner. That year alone in our time of pre-covenant was significant and needed for both Luke and me and us together, but it was a long year of yearning and hoping. Once you've been called to a life of oneness, every day leading up to that covenant gets tougher to live apart. Even knowing our time apart before 10/10 was meant and a part of a bigger plan He had prepared for us, I still fought discontentment like crazy. And now that I'm finally here living the life with Luke that I was desiring for so long, I'm still fighting it in a way I never expected!
BUT this time it's different. Before, I was praying for time to speed up. I was looking forward to what's to come and intentionally praying for exposed purpose in the present. This past week now that we're here in SF, I still feel like my heart is trying to get through as many things as possible and move on to the next. Even as good and incredibly pleasing and sweet this time has been as newlyweds, I still am fighting to cherish every step. After finally sitting down and asking Jesus why, I'm realizing it's because I'm still in disbelief. I still feel like Luke is about to leave in a week and I have to rush through and experience as much as we can while he's here, squeeze it all in, get enough for it to last me another three months before I see him again. Jesus had to shake me few times and tell me, "HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Stop. Breathe. Slow down. Love him right now. Experience right now. Stop looking to tomorrow."
That lesson will never get old no matter what your age, your situation, or your heart condition is. I love that when I'm old and grey, Jesus will still be reminding me how deliberate every day is, every hour. He'll still be graciously reminding me how much "busy" is a state of the heart and not your situation. And you know what really overwhelms me about that? The biggest way I'm learning this is through my husband who doesn't have a hurry bone in his body and is intentional with every minute he gets. What a sweet first week lesson. I pray that I never stop learning it.
xo. Mattie
-- P.S. Hoping to recollect and record memories from our covenant day, honeymoon, and party soon.