Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Submission is strange. I rejected the idea throughout the years when I was old enough to comprehend what it meant, or how it was being taught. And I think that's the kicker - how it was being taught. The really messed up idea of submission is one where the husband is greater than, holier than, and he calls all of the shots in every circumstance. I even heard a lecture once from a wife of a famous christian author who told a story about how despite what she was feeling about a certain situation, her husband in his furious state told her this is how it needed to be done, and so because of his headship, she had to submit. And she pitched this in a way that she wanted to come across as holy and good. "Ladies, that's our role. We submit despite how we feel."
I couldn't help but think even at the time in my really early stages of understanding this concept that this wasn't quite what Jesus had in mind when He drew up this whole idea of leadership and submission within marriage. It was dripping with guilt, pain, and it just made me feel weird. And had been making me feel weird until Jesus transformed my idea back to the way He intended.
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church.
Just as Jesus is one with us, so are we with our partners. When Jesus was here on earth he took care of himself, and in return that overflowed into our lives. We saw him praying. We saw him constantly quoting the scriptures, abiding, depending on the spirit. Because he stayed rooted in the Father, we as the church benefitted. And that's what Paul is saying here. Husbands, do that. What you do with your own spiritual life directly affects your partner. If you think that you can go through life without those disciplines and still have a flourishing marriage, you're going to be in for an overwhelmingly tough reality. There is a mutual care that happens when Jesus loves the Church in that way and it's the same within marriage. The Wife can look at the husband and see him submitting to Jesus just as Jesus submitted to the will of the Father. Like the trinity, you first think that the Godhead (father) is higher, but there is no hierarchy. There are very distinct roles and willingness to play that role whatever the cost is, but there is also equality and unity. And that's what this whole submission thing means within marriage.
And gave himself up for her to make her holy.
In this text we see selflessness, sanctification, cleansing, working out spots and wrinkles so there can be holiness and purity. When we see how Jesus loves the church we see unconditional love. We see grace upon grace upon grace. We see provision. We see protection. We see him speaking truth to us in two ways: affirming and encouraging, and warning or correcting and disciplining through love. We see this care that meets every need we have. Even the needs that we maybe don't want, but we truly need in order to grow and look like him.
And when I look at it through that lens, yeah... I'm okay with husbands being called to being head over a marriage just as Jesus is head over the church. Especially when my husband looks like Jesus and cares for me exactly how He does.
Recently Luke's Papa passed away. I wouldn't say it was completely sudden. Papa had been struggling this past year, but the shock of his passing was still felt. I found out on a Sunday morning. It was the same week that I was facilitating my new community group for the first time, had appointments booked during the week, and a list of other priorities that had my attention. Luke called me that morning when I was on the way to church and mentioned the idea of me flying to Louisiana for the services. Of course I wanted to be there. This was Papa. He was my Papa, too, and a part of my life for the past 7 years. I also couldn't help but entertain the thoughts of how impractical and expensive and impossible it would be to fly in to make the funeral on Wednesday. Luke said he would pray over it all day and we'd touch base that night.
Sunday night came and I still had a practical nudge that told me to just stay home, yet when Luke called me, he told me that the Spirit was leading him to purchasing me a ticket. I told him all of the reasons why I was feeling that it wouldn't be a super logical move, and Luke heard them with such grace and understanding. And in the same conversation, and with the same grace, he lovingly told me that the conviction was still there and despite how impractical it seemed, he really felt that the Lord wanted me to be there, to mourn with Luke, to experience this with the family. That night I purchased a ticket and got on a plane the next morning.
What I love about this picture of submission is how much Luke looked like Jesus. He heard me out, heard my side. And not just for the sake of covering all of his bases, but truly wanted to hear how I was processing the idea. And with all things considered, Luke still stood strong in his conviction because he knew that Lord wanted this for us. And it was a really special week with his family (and mine) that I wouldn't trade for the world. And my CG went on just fine, my appointments were rescheduled, and despite booking a last minute flight on Labor Day, my ticket wasn't astronomically overpriced and we payed it off with money we had forgotten was an option to us.
When the circumstances look like this story and Luke is obviously in tune with the spirit, submitting himself to the Father, and loves me and delivers his convictions in a way that looks like Jesus, yes, submission is a beautiful thing, a thing I can get behind. But what about when Luke doesn't? That's what I've been praying for hard this year, and the need for this post. What happens when Luke doesn't look like that? Do I submit then? How do I hold him accountable? Am I supposed to submit when it's obvious that it is flesh led? What then?
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
"Respectful and pure conduct." Did you catch that? CONDUCT, the manner in which a person behaves. Even if your husbands are being disobedient to the word, you be true. If your husbands are going through something (which we all as Christians do), you still be true. You hang in there. What does respectful look like then? I think that varies from person to person and relationship to relationship, but for me it looks like not cheap shotting my husband. Not discrediting his role in intimate or big settings. Never questioning his role or his heart. Holding his hand during the drought. Praying with and for him in ways that are spirit lead and not dripping with guilt. Remembering that I'm called to plant and water the seed, but powerless to bring the seed to life. Only God can revive a heart, and me nagging him and giving him a hard time about the condition of his is no good for anybody. What does purity look like? Purity should flow from the way I conduct myself. Jesus will use that purity to bring about change within my husband, and remind me that He is working on his heart, assuring me that the spirit that lives within Luke from day one is transforming and seeking.
The balance is going to be tough, as are all things in our lives that we have been called to balance, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited for the experience. We're not where we once were, and not yet what we're going to be, but we've got a lifetime to experience it together and despite the lofty expectations, I'm pretty pumped at the times when this will be easy and the times where it will build character and strength between the two of us.
....and that is what I need prayer for.
xo. Mattie
